I should be doing something productive, but I feel like writing. My mood seems to be getting better. The brilliant sunlight glares off the ice creating a dazzling, yet blinding scene. My eyes hurt just walking outside, but still having light as I leave work at night relieves my spirit a little. The cold darkness forces me to hold my breath all winter in anxious anticipation of spring melt. I want so much to be away from here, but I wonder if I might miss this annual drama. New Mexico’s seasonal changes are beautiful and hold their own drama, but in a very different color palette. The sun never deserts the New Mexico skies for weeks on end as it does here leaving me feeling lost and sad for no good reason.

My love life confuses me. Stone arrived Saturday afternoon in the large gray truck that seems out of proportion with his personality and his physicality. Politely, he chatted with my parents, exchanging secret NASCAR jargon with my stepfather. A dozen red roses were left on my seat. We rode along chatting companionably as he drove south. The waitress and manager alternately interrupted our conversation and our meal as they tried to reassure themselves that all was well at this Mexican establishment. Stone continually asked me what I wanted to do with the rest of our evening. We wandered around Target and went to a movie. He stopped the truck in front of my parents’ house. He made no move and stared straight ahead. I leaned over, grabbed his face and kissed him before saying goodnight and sliding out of my seat to fly up the many steps to my parents’ house. My stepfather greeted me as I rushed to the kitchen to take the wrapping off the roses that still flashed a price tag that I knew my mother would voice disapproval over. She has never learned to politely ignore anything out of respect for someone’s feelings or good intentions.

My mind becomes confused by all the conflicting thoughts. I prayed for signs about what I am supposed to do. I get no responses from résumés sent to jobs in New Mexico. Instead, I get a sweet email out of the blue from a guy I rather liked. I imagine that the guy I need in my life is decisive, strong, affectionate and capable. I am given a guy too scared to make a move. I have a friend telling me that when the guy is right, you know right away and that this one is obviously not right and a mother who shuns this idea. Do I trust the wisdom of a wacky friend who has been married for 30 years to the same man or a mother known to get swept up in affairs and currently married to husband number three? Would it be worse to give this guy a chance and have a little fun in the process or cut him loose before it gets too deep? Like a coward, I hope to be rescued by a fantastic job offer in New Mexico.

Love to all.