I just want to scream and rail and make a ruckus. Why? I don’t know. I want out of here. I want to start new. I’m sick of this place and these people and the day in day out deal of my existence. I don’t know what to do about Stone. I like him. He’s smart, sweet, funny and somewhat innocent. He brought up the Janet Jackson boob issue last night on the phone and told me of how he had missed it on the half-time show and was obsessed with seeing it. He then proceeded to describe just how the starburst thing was attached to her boob. Then he told me of his affinity for belly button rings on girls. I feel so old when guys say shit like that. I’m almost 30 fucking years old. I am not even interested in why someone would feel it necessary to decorate their belly button.

I guess I felt angry for other reasons as well. I know it’s irrational, but I felt as if my body were being judged somehow. I’m in pretty good shape and have been impressed with the changes in my body recently, but my weight has fluctuated from about normal to 30-40 lbs overweight since I was 10 years old. My body shows the signs of that with stretch marks and spots that probably will never get tight no matter how much weight I lose. I doubt that I will ever be comfortable in a bikini and I feel threatened and a little angry when I get the impression that this skinny guy who hasn’t been inside a gym in more than 5 years is expecting to find the body of 21-year-old beauty contestant under my clothes.

I need to become a lesbian or start dating really old men or something.

Love to all.