I’ve been thinking about how unauthentic I have been with this diary lately. I guess once a diary becomes public, it becomes more difficult to share private thoughts in it. I know I tend to edit the goings on in my life for certain friends. The friends who have influenced and been influenced by me at different points in my life really drive home to me the reality of how very much I have changed and yet not. I suppose it becomes a game of how others want to see you and then how you want them to see you. A comfortable niche is created for you in someone else’s assessment of who you are and you grow accustomed to it. I guess I feel most comfortable with the friends who seem to have created a niche for me large enough to allow some movement and growth.

The other day, my horoscope read like this: “Someone you liked very much may re-enter your life again at this time. It’ll be good to have this individual back, and you’ll have no trouble picking up where you left off in your relationship.” So, I found the contraction of it and will a little annoying, but other than that, I found it really strange. On Sunday night, I received an email Stone had sent me the preceding Friday night. He told me that he missed our conversations and wanted to know how I was doing. I remembered how much I liked him and how I struggled with not wanting to get involved because I was pretty sure I wanted to leave the area. So, I emailed Stone back and explained all this. We talked on the phone last night for over an hour.

He asked me what had been happening with me in the romantic arena. I didn’t tell him about going to meet Julio and I didn’t tell him about Deck (who hasn’t called me or written to me in two weeks anyway). I guess I figured Deck didn’t matter and Julio was something he wouldn’t understand. I don’t think I completely understand what went on with Julio. I’m not sad over it and I can’t say that I spend a whole lot of time trying to figure it out. We still email every day and I definitely care about him, but I don’t have any illusions about the future. Maybe, I’m just growing up.

Speaking of growing up, I had a heart-to-heart with my boss yesterday. Well, actually it wasn’t honest enough to be considered that. Basically, she told me that she has been very upset over us butting heads lately and she has been very hurt by my response of “fine” followed by the silent treatment any time we have clashed. I conceded nothing. I told her that her habit of presenting something as if there were options when there weren’t any was very frustrating. I also told her that I was mad that she had flipped around on so many decisions, not least of which was allowing me to post my credentials in the room where I actually do counseling. She told me that she wanted the rooms to be “generic” so that anyone could counsel in them since she wanted to get an intern.

This explanation seemed really stupid to me since we don’t have anything set up for an intern, we are never so busy that we would require the use of both counseling rooms and my boss’s office, and when I was an intern, I counseling in many offices that were not mine. She tried a few more stupid arguments such as she has never seen the credentials for her doctor or her dentist (who also happens to be my dentist). I told her that our dentist has his posted in the waiting room. So, all of her stupid arguments lead me to believe that she just doesn’t want my license and certification to be seen since she doesn’t have them herself. She finally agreed to “meet me halfway” and let me hang my credentials in the counseling room until we get an intern. At that point, I wanted to scream that she had no business taking on an intern when she wasn’t licensed, but as I said, it wasn’t exactly an honest exchange. I think she was also starting to get panicky over the fact that the big boss is coming next week and my credentials still remain stacked on a cardboard box in my office.

Love to all.